Columbus and the myth of America’s immaculate conception

Why is it so important for conservatives to believe conquerors were noble and good?

Portrait of a Man, Said to Be Christopher Columbus (Wikimedia Commons / Public Domain)

There’s an infamous Sopranos episode called “Christopher,” in which the Jersey mobsters get in a beef with some Native American activists protesting Christopher Columbus. It’s a truly awful episode—consistently rated panned by both fans and critics—but even at its worst, The Sopranos could still deliver some moments that ring true.

There’s one scene where the archetypal failson AJ is sitting at the dinner table with a copy of Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States. He says his teacher told him that Columbus would be tried for war crimes if he were alive today.

He reads a quote from Columbus’ diary: “They would make fine servants. With 50 men we could subgate them.”

Meadow corrects him. “Subjugate.”

Tony is apoplectic. “Great. So you finally read a book and it’s bullshit.” He goes on a diatribe that culminates with, “He was a brave Italian explorer! And in this house Christopher Columbus is a hero! End of story!”

It was like seeing my adolescence up on screen. I may not have been as dumb as AJ Soprano—I could pronounce “subjugate” correctly—but I did read People’s History…